I don’t want to die

It’s funny how when I feel sad the words trail across my mind. “I want to die.” Even though I don’t. But the words pop up again and again. I want to die. No, I want to walk. I want to die. No, I want to clean. I want to die. No, I want to…

Loving life

“I don’t deserve you. I’ll never hurt you. If I ever lost you, I’d die.” Lyrics to a song that made me think of my best friend back in January 2020. My best friend, who I’ve felt so strongly for the last few months. But I buried it so deep that even at times I…

Non-negotiable

My best friend and I came up with an activity. Well, she came up with it, because that’s what she does. Come up with non-negotiables for future relationships. You see, we’re both single right now after the end of our short lived relationships. And we’re both thinking, what do we deserve. We deserve to see red…

Impulses

I was talking to my best friend, and she said honestly, life would be so boring if I had control over my impulses and that hit me. Finally, someone who understands why I love my impulsive side, instead of trying to control and mitigate her. My impulsive side: She is my best asset. My greatest friend. Someone…

Who is my God?

Lately I’ve craved a relationship with God. Something I lost a long time ago. Being raised in a catholic school, I was taught about a “loving God” who punished sinners. One day I went home begging my mother to get baptized because that day we learned you’d go to hell if you weren’t. This was…

Who Am I Without Depression?

A few months ago I decided it was time to try medication. After months of fighting to get out of bed and pushing through each day only looking forward to sleep, I thought these very important words: I can’t live like this forever.  Truth is it didn’t even feel like living. It felt like hell,…

Trust Me

“Trust Me” She says. The words sound so sincere. Her brown eyes look at me, full of something. Love? Hope? Pain? Exhaustion? They all are starting to look the same again. My breath deepens as I let out a sigh, “Okay”  quietly escapes my lips. My eyes close as I burn this memory into my…

A Reminder Why I Chose to be Sober Curious

Beginning January 1st, 2019 I made the decision to be Sober Curious (a term coined by Ruby Warrington in her book Sober Curious). Essentially I wanted to be 100% sober for the year of 2019. Would it help my anxiety or depression? Would I sleep better? How much money could I save? Would I miss…