Manifest Love

I listened to a three part podcast about manifesting love not too long ago. Speak, believe, recieve. That was the main takeaway. Speak what you want into the universe. I want you. I know I shouldn’t because it could ruin everything. But, I think this is what I want. This type of love. Believe you…

Loving life

“I don’t deserve you. I’ll never hurt you. If I ever lost you, I’d die.” Lyrics to a song that made me think of my best friend back in January 2020. My best friend, who I’ve felt so strongly for the last few months. But I buried it so deep that even at times I…

Stream of Consciousness – Decisions

It is so hard for me to make decisions, why is that? I’m terrified of fucking up, or making the “wrong choice” but truth be told I’ll never know the difference between a right and a wrong choice, because it’s impossible to know the other outcome. Right now I get to decide whether or not…

Non-negotiable

My best friend and I came up with an activity. Well, she came up with it, because that’s what she does. Come up with non-negotiables for future relationships. You see, we’re both single right now after the end of our short lived relationships. And we’re both thinking, what do we deserve. We deserve to see red…

Are you going to date her?

I’ve spent hours with my ex this past week. Every second is more confusing than the last, and incredibly messy. She kissed me, hugged me, and told me all the ways she loved me. Today was our last day together. I cried last night and barely slept, trying to prolong her departure. She going back…

Who is my God?

Lately I’ve craved a relationship with God. Something I lost a long time ago. Being raised in a catholic school, I was taught about a “loving God” who punished sinners. One day I went home begging my mother to get baptized because that day we learned you’d go to hell if you weren’t. This was…

A letter to the man I try to hate

If I look back through my journals I can find several entries that are clearly full of fury. My writing becomes messier and bigger than normal. All writing in moments of rage about how angry you make me. I hate the way you make me anxious. Most days I know I will be stuck in…