Loving life

“I don’t deserve you. I’ll never hurt you. If I ever lost you, I’d die.” Lyrics to a song that made me think of my best friend back in January 2020. My best friend, who I’ve felt so strongly for the last few months. But I buried it so deep that even at times I…

I Don’t Want To Be THAT Guy

My dad called me tonight. And for the first time in a long time, I answered. He was drunk, which is to be expected. But still…it stung. We talked about mundane things. How are you? How’s work? Etc. Then he said, “I’m sorry about your grandpa, grandpa John.” My moms dad, grandpa John, passed away…

Stream of Consciousness – Decisions

It is so hard for me to make decisions, why is that? I’m terrified of fucking up, or making the “wrong choice” but truth be told I’ll never know the difference between a right and a wrong choice, because it’s impossible to know the other outcome. Right now I get to decide whether or not…

What must it be like

3/31/20 Anyone else checking the time and feeling bummed out when there are just so many hours left in the day? I feel this way a lot during the lock down (covid-19). Like I’m dreading being awake. Being alive. I want to check out and go to sleep, or fall into the couch and watch…

Impulses

I was talking to my best friend, and she said honestly, life would be so boring if I had control over my impulses and that hit me. Finally, someone who understands why I love my impulsive side, instead of trying to control and mitigate her. My impulsive side: She is my best asset. My greatest friend. Someone…

Are you going to date her?

I’ve spent hours with my ex this past week. Every second is more confusing than the last, and incredibly messy. She kissed me, hugged me, and told me all the ways she loved me. Today was our last day together. I cried last night and barely slept, trying to prolong her departure. She going back…

How to get back to sleep when anxiety is keeping you up at night.

Have you laid awake in bed for hours wishing you could fall asleep? Your mind just races from one thought to the next taking no breaks in between, often repeating repeating repeating things you’ve already gone over in that brain of yours. Do you ever hear the voice in your head say, “Stop thinking. You can…

Coming out of depression

Winter got me. I stayed in my house and at the same time in my depression. There have been short seasons throughout the months where I felt happy and completely free of the beast that lives in my brain. Recently, I feel free again. A lot has changed lately. I’m single, summer vacation was on…

Do I need AA?

This is a question that has been swirling through my head for about a year now? Am I an alcoholic? I’m not extreme, like my father who has had a standing battle with addiction for decades. I don’t even drink as often as my mother, who often coins herself as a “functioning alcoholic” usually accompanied…

Calendar

Yesterday I felt ready to move on from the month of May. There are still 5 days left, but at the time I’m up and moving around in the kitchen, I have to keep the momentum going. I clean, sweep, cook, now it’s time to change the calendar. I take it off the wall and…