I Think I’m OKAY

I’m sad tonight. I think it’s a combination of things. The fact that I’m in the middle of drama with my co-parent (which deeply affects me), the feeling of summer being cancelled, or forgetting my meds today (probably the biggest cause). I just want to sleep, as much as I can possibly sleep. But at…

What must it be like

3/31/20 Anyone else checking the time and feeling bummed out when there are just so many hours left in the day? I feel this way a lot during the lock down (covid-19). Like I’m dreading being awake. Being alive. I want to check out and go to sleep, or fall into the couch and watch…

Impulses

I was talking to my best friend, and she said honestly, life would be so boring if I had control over my impulses and that hit me. Finally, someone who understands why I love my impulsive side, instead of trying to control and mitigate her. My impulsive side: She is my best asset. My greatest friend. Someone…

Who Am I Without Depression?

A few months ago I decided it was time to try medication. After months of fighting to get out of bed and pushing through each day only looking forward to sleep, I thought these very important words: I can’t live like this forever.  Truth is it didn’t even feel like living. It felt like hell,…

Coming out of depression

Winter got me. I stayed in my house and at the same time in my depression. There have been short seasons throughout the months where I felt happy and completely free of the beast that lives in my brain. Recently, I feel free again. A lot has changed lately. I’m single, summer vacation was on…

Do I need AA?

This is a question that has been swirling through my head for about a year now? Am I an alcoholic? I’m not extreme, like my father who has had a standing battle with addiction for decades. I don’t even drink as often as my mother, who often coins herself as a “functioning alcoholic” usually accompanied…

Calendar

Yesterday I felt ready to move on from the month of May. There are still 5 days left, but at the time I’m up and moving around in the kitchen, I have to keep the momentum going. I clean, sweep, cook, now it’s time to change the calendar. I take it off the wall and…

Disclosing my bipolar disorder at work

I keep going back and forth, I have for weeks now. Do I tell my boss I have bipolar 2 disorder or do I not? Is it important to let her know up until mid school year I was sure that I would not renew my contract at the end of the year? When I’m…

4AM

It’s almost 4 AM and I cannot sleep. I feel like I’ve been up the whole night, but I’m really not sure. That has to be impossible right? But I feel like I’ve just been laying here from 10-3. My brain just won’t seem to shut down tonight. However I feel calm – and that’s…

My need for speed, racing from depression

*Moved from my old blog* Three days ago I decided it was time to stop yet another prescription drug. A painful rash on my stomach brought me to this decision. My heart shattered, because everything I’ve tried thus far has led to harmful and potentially dangerous side effects. Of course my first thought was “I’m…