July 16th, 2020 I’m unhappy, sort of. I mean really my life is great and there is so much happiness around me. But still when I am alone in my room, I’m unhappy. It’s because I’m unhappy with myself. I am not engaging in anything that brings me life. Like running, cooking, listening to podcasts,…
what’s wrong
I made my girlfriend cry last night, again. What is wrong with me. Why do I always fuck up? That’s where I’m at right now. Mad at myself. I get like this, it’ll pass but for the moment I’ll beat myself up about it. Last night she said I feel distant. I do feel distant,…
They’ll say we’re crazy, we’ll say we’re alive.
The other night I was stuck in my head. A usual incident after talking to my father, who I think may be in the midst of a manic episode. I was with my partner in our puzzle lounge, a grungy and beautiful room upstairs that was made for “us”, and it was pouring outside. “Will…
I can’t sleep, but I’m okay.
I can’t sleep tonight, which is fine. I’m honestly used to it. But there’s something different about tonight. I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious, I’m just awake. I’ve done a lot of healing the last couple of years with the help of an amazing therapist. I am so thankful for the growth that has occurred….
I don’t want to die
It’s funny how when I feel sad the words trail across my mind. “I want to die.” Even though I don’t. But the words pop up again and again. I want to die. No, I want to walk. I want to die. No, I want to clean. I want to die. No, I want to…
The things I tell myself as a parent
I’m a terrible mother. And I’m failing at it. It’s too hard and maybe I wasn’t cut out for this lifetime role. I sleep in too long. She watches too much TV, and even worse non-educational TV. She loves her screens, that’s bad. She’s an only child and I refuse to play with her in…
My person
What’s a soulmate? Someone who loves you unconditionally. Your best friend. Your number one supporter. Someone you can be comfortable around without a second thought. I’ve gone back and forth about soulmates. They’re real. They’re not. Back and forth back and forth. But now I know, they’re real. My best friend is my girlfriend. I’ve…
Grieving what I never had
I found my person, like my legit person. I’ve never been so sure of it. But that means I have to say goodbye to something else I’ve been holding on to, sometimes without even realizing it. My ex and I had a situation, and we’re not talking anymore because of it. She knows I’m with…
I might love you
1/15/2020 I’m writing this because I certainly am not posting this tonight. Hell, maybe ever. You read my blog. Therefore, I cannot post this. But I have to get out out of my body, so tonight I’ll write for me. I think I love you. More than the way we say “I love you” as…
Soul Work Place 