Impulses

I was talking to my best friend, and she said¬†honestly, life would be so boring if I had control over my impulses¬†and that hit me. Finally, someone who understands why I love my impulsive side, instead of trying to control and mitigate her. My impulsive side: She is my best asset. My greatest friend. Someone…

She mothers her well

She puts fake earrings gently on my daughters sensitive ears. She brushes her hair the way only a woman knows how to do. She makes her schedules and ensures she eats. She picks her outfits the night before. She plays with her, and loves on her, the way a mother would. My daughter is well…

High Fives

One day she’s going to stop high-fiving me. What will I have missed between then and now? Parenting is hard, really hard. We all struggle with different aspects of parenting. I’m really good at the schedules, the structure, making food and cleaning up, doing chores and talking about feelings. I’m not good at playing, teaching,…

Drunk

It’s 3:44 PM and I’m very buzzed. I’m always tipsy, buzzed, high or eating. Why do I run from everything through numbing? It’s the easiest coping mechanism in my back pocket. Don’t want to feel? Well then, pick your damn poison and let it fly away. Today I am tipsy, but I need to work….

Abilify

I’m on new meds. And I “see” my psychiatrist next week, virtually of course. Here’s what I noticed about it, I’m restless. Which is a potential side effect. But also, I’m we’re on a stay at home order and I’m working from home. So, which is it? I looked up the side effects this evening….

Impatiently waiting

My dad messaged me. “I hope you don’t shut me out too long. I’ll be impatiently waiting.” I’m sorry but fuck you. I know this is you reaching out, but I’m not shutting you out. I’m just not prioritizing you. Why the hell should I? Because you’re bored? Because you’re sick? When was I ever…

I want to fall in love

I think I was on the right track, but the girl I decided to date has decided we’re too different. I agree, we are. She wasn’t the one, but man did I want to feel love again. I learned a lot from this short relationship. I learned never to ghost anyone, to not fall off…

So many posts, so little motivation

Whenever I get high, I get in my head. Sometimes in a really good way. Because I let my walls down, so I get into the parts of my head that are screaming to be seen. So, I take note. Notes on my phone that start with “blog” or “blog again.” They mean, LOOK AT…

Listen to this album

I’ll listen to your playlist if you listen to this album you say. And you should know by now, I’ll do anything to be close to you. I listen to each song in order and read the lyrics as the music plays. Most songs remind me of you. I know the album is about someone…

One months notice

Earlier this month I wrote about my new girlfriend. About the way she kisses me in the morning and doesn’t care if we’ve brushed our teeth. And how she doesn’t put me down for the things I’m in to. How she buys me plants and constantly compliments me. I haven’t officially dated anyone since my…