Cigarettes

Why do I smoke cigarettes? Each time I remember the poster boards I’d make to show my mom, the research I’d print off or the times I broke her cigarettes in half. It’s always followed by my second thought, I understand now why she smoked though. Each cigarette is a quick escape from reality, and…

Seeking Validation

We’re in weird times, corona virus and all. My new girlfriend is a paramedic, so let’s just say she’s pretty busy. We’ve barely connected the last couple of days, and it feels more than busy. The last time we hung out our differences really came to light. So now, of course, I’m worried she’s second…

The art of slowing down

Dinner is set, lighting is bright, my baby is across from me. As I stuff my face with cheap processed food I realize, once again I will finish light years ahead. “Hurry up Olivia. Focus on your dinner. You need to eat faster.” I hear the words in my head, knowing they come out each…

She kisses me in the morning

I show a girl my “crystal” collection. Am I “into” crystals? No. Do I think they’re interesting and pretty? Yup. Do I remember how much my ex gave me shit for them? Hell yeah. I make jokes and send pictures of my precious rocks. “Do you still like me?” I’m testing the waters. Are you…

Journal Entry

I’m flipping through my journal, and this is one I want to publish. Because it’s important and life saving to me, and maybe it is to someone else out there too. Yesterday in therapy there were the usual questions… “Any suicidal thoughts?” This time I had to be honest. I told her I thought about my…

Dating sucks

Like I said in my last post, I am talking to a fantastic girl. And I mean, like really fantastic. She is patient and kind. She pays attention to me, and shows me that. She bought me a plant, and sent flowers to my work. She is calm, cool, and collected. She’s the type of…

Parking Garage

I have a new home, and I know it’s not good for me. Almost every night this past week I’ve found myself hiding in my parking garage, smoking cigs and hoping no one from my apartment building sees me. I am running from my life. Every few months I find myself in this place of self…

Soul friend

I have a friend who feels as deeply as I do. She’s messy and real, like me. The best part is she will cut herself open to expose what’s underneath, in a way that is prideful because she’s alive, and that is a celebration. Never have I felt more comfortable being me. I think most…

Do I miss YOU?

I’ve been thinking about my ex-girlfriend a lot, mostly because we’ve been exploring the idea of being friends. Also because I’m seeing someone new. You know after a relationship when you lay in the arms of someone new, and suddenly a partner from your past just pops in your head. What is that? Is it…

Why aren’t you writing?

Why am I not writing? Because I don’t want to. Writing requires checking in, and I am checked out. I feel lost, and quite possibly depressed. I am running from my father. Exploring new relationships. I’m doubting my abilities as a mother. Drowning in music. Avoiding self reflection. I am navigating a possible friendship with…