What are your hobbies?

“What are my hobbies?” Right now, nothing. I don’t have any hobbies. So how do I answer this question. I tell my girlfriend what my hobbies used to be. Reading. Writing. Cooking. Running. Yoga. Meditation. Why don’t I do them anymore? My girlfriend asked me if she holds me back from these things. And she…

You know me

You know me. The real, unfiltered, sometimes troubled version of myself. The real god damn deal. You pay attention to me. I’ve never felt so seen in my whole life. And somehow, you love me. You love me so deeply that I can feel it. I never thought a love like this existed. Until you…

Rough Day

My girlfriend and I both cried yesterday, for separate reasons. Long stories short, it was a rough day for us both. Some things came up that challenged us in ways that took us by surprise. For me, something came up that would normally cause me to shut down. But my partners response to the problem…

I thought I could go off my meds

How silly of me. I felt good, strong and happy. So I thought, if there’s anytime I can go off my medication it’s now. I had to make a med switch anyway due to side effects. So right now I’m taking half of my my old meds to make the switch. And I feel it….

What I learned from my past relationships

I think what I learned the most from my past relationships are how to be a bad partner. Don’t let this confuse you. I am a great partner I just also happened to make a lot of mistakes. And I’ve learned from them. So, here are some of the things I will never forget: Always…

Phone

I was at my girlfriends house while she was out of town and I saw her old phone on the counter. Immediately my conditioned up brain says: omg I could look through her old phone. Which was quickly interrupted by this thought: wow, that was a really bad habit. I would NEVER go through my…

Meds

I’ve really been thinking a lot about this. Too much maybe. My mind is consumed by the following question: Do I stop taking my meds? But I realized when I get down to it, that’s not really the question I need to focus on. The real question is this: Do I want to try to…

The Calendar

An old post I found in my google drive. It feels good to not be depressed, but I keep the memory close by. May 2019: I was ready to move on from the month of May. There are still 5 days left, but I’m up and moving around in the kitchen, I have to keep…

Why am I sad?

Sometimes, I think I’m just sad. It’s gloomy out today. I don’t know what to write, but my girlfriend encouraged me to do so. So, here I am. Writing generally makes me feel better so I appreciate the suggestion. She asked me, “Is it because of me last night?” Last night she came over. We…

100 lbs

I’m tiny. Like, very petite. Standing at a mere 5 feet. The only time I’ve weighed 100 lbs was when I was a few months pregnant. I’m not allowed to donate blood because of my weight. And people have always given me shit. But if I’m being honest, I’ve given myself shit too. When I…