Phone

I was at my girlfriends house while she was out of town and I saw her old phone on the counter. Immediately my conditioned up brain says: omg I could look through her old phone. Which was quickly interrupted by this thought: wow, that was a really bad habit. I would NEVER go through my…

Meds

I’ve really been thinking a lot about this. Too much maybe. My mind is consumed by the following question: Do I stop taking my meds? But I realized when I get down to it, that’s not really the question I need to focus on. The real question is this: Do I want to try to…

The Calendar

An old post I found in my google drive. It feels good to not be depressed, but I keep the memory close by. May 2019: I was ready to move on from the month of May. There are still 5 days left, but I’m up and moving around in the kitchen, I have to keep…

Why am I sad?

Sometimes, I think I’m just sad. It’s gloomy out today. I don’t know what to write, but my girlfriend encouraged me to do so. So, here I am. Writing generally makes me feel better so I appreciate the suggestion. She asked me, “Is it because of me last night?” Last night she came over. We…

100 lbs

I’m tiny. Like, very petite. Standing at a mere 5 feet. The only time I’ve weighed 100 lbs was when I was a few months pregnant. I’m not allowed to donate blood because of my weight. And people have always given me shit. But if I’m being honest, I’ve given myself shit too. When I…

I deserve this

I’m in a healthy relationship. A real relationship. A relationship with my best friend. And boy is it special. A few months ago I was slipping into self sabotage. My go to whenever anything feels too good. I told myself, this can’t be real. It’s all going to fall apart. I became distant and questioned…

Send me a picture of Mila

“Send me a picture of Mila” is the text I want to send to my girlfriends sister. Mila is my girlfriends niece. They spent the week visiting Ashley (my girlfriend) here in Wisconsin. They live in Florida. I’m part of the family is what Ashley would say to me. And the crazy part about that…

Hypomanic

Am I hypomanic? One of my favorite questions. I mean I did just buy a new car. I can’t sleep. I want to drink and smoke. I’m making a ton of plans. I’m talking quicker, and more frequently. Fuck. Once I add up all the signs I get into this head space where I’m constantly…

I love you

July 12, 2020 I can’t sleep, again. But it’s okay I’m not even upset. Why am I not upset? Because my life is beautiful. I started to write in my journal about you, but I can get so much more out on a computer…. So here it is. I am very much in love with…

How do you feel by yourself

July 16th, 2020 I’m unhappy, sort of. I mean really my life is great and there is so much happiness around me. But still when I am alone in my room, I’m unhappy. It’s because I’m unhappy with myself. I am not engaging in anything that brings me life. Like running, cooking, listening to podcasts,…