what’s wrong

I made my girlfriend cry last night, again. What is wrong with me. Why do I always fuck up? That’s where I’m at right now. Mad at myself. I get like this, it’ll pass but for the moment I’ll beat myself up about it. Last night she said I feel distant. I do feel distant,…

weak

I made my girlfriend cry yesterday. We do a check in every month and one of our topics were fears. I said I was worried I wouldn’t love her one day, but what I really meant is I’m worried I’ll self sabotage. Because that’s what I do. At least it’s what I used to do….

They’ll say we’re crazy, we’ll say we’re alive.

The other night I was stuck in my head. A usual incident after talking to my father, who I think may be in the midst of a manic episode. I was with my partner in our puzzle lounge, a grungy and beautiful room upstairs that was made for “us”, and it was pouring outside. “Will…

I can’t sleep, but I’m okay.

I can’t sleep tonight, which is fine. I’m honestly used to it. But there’s something different about tonight. I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious, I’m just awake. I’ve done a lot of healing the last couple of years with the help of an amazing therapist. I am so thankful for the growth that has occurred….

I might love you

1/15/2020 I’m writing this because I certainly am not posting this tonight. Hell, maybe ever. You read my blog. Therefore, I cannot post this. But I have to get out out of my body, so tonight I’ll write for me. I think I love you. More than the way we say “I love you” as…

Porch

I’m sitting on your porch Thinking of you Dreaming of you Like I always have been. Music fuels my love for you So I listen to my playlist Again, and again, and one more time. I love you more than I have words to describe. You are, and have been, my favorite person For what…

Loving life

“I don’t deserve you. I’ll never hurt you. If I ever lost you, I’d die.” Lyrics to a song that made me think of my best friend back in January 2020. My best friend, who I’ve felt so strongly for the last few months. But I buried it so deep that even at times I…

What I love about you

When I used to tell Katie, my ex, what I loved about her (early on), she said sometimes I think you just love the way I make you feel, the things I do for you. While that wasn’t true, I loved her, there was truth in my answers. It did often revolve around things she did…

I Don’t Want To Be THAT Guy

My dad called me tonight. And for the first time in a long time, I answered. He was drunk, which is to be expected. But still…it stung. We talked about mundane things. How are you? How’s work? Etc. Then he said, “I’m sorry about your grandpa, grandpa John.” My moms dad, grandpa John, passed away…

Stream of Consciousness – Decisions

It is so hard for me to make decisions, why is that? I’m terrified of fucking up, or making the “wrong choice” but truth be told I’ll never know the difference between a right and a wrong choice, because it’s impossible to know the other outcome. Right now I get to decide whether or not…