Loving life

“I don’t deserve you. I’ll never hurt you. If I ever lost you, I’d die.” Lyrics to a song that made me think of my best friend back in January 2020. My best friend, who I’ve felt so strongly for the last few months. But I buried it so deep that even at times I…

I Don’t Want To Be THAT Guy

My dad called me tonight. And for the first time in a long time, I answered. He was drunk, which is to be expected. But still…it stung. We talked about mundane things. How are you? How’s work? Etc. Then he said, “I’m sorry about your grandpa, grandpa John.” My moms dad, grandpa John, passed away…

Stream of Consciousness – Decisions

It is so hard for me to make decisions, why is that? I’m terrified of fucking up, or making the “wrong choice” but truth be told I’ll never know the difference between a right and a wrong choice, because it’s impossible to know the other outcome. Right now I get to decide whether or not…

Non-negotiable

My best friend and I came up with an activity. Well, she came up with it, because that’s what she does. Come up with non-negotiables for future relationships. You see, we’re both single right now after the end of our short lived relationships. And we’re both thinking, what do we deserve. We deserve to see red…

What must it be like

3/31/20 Anyone else checking the time and feeling bummed out when there are just so many hours left in the day? I feel this way a lot during the lock down (covid-19). Like I’m dreading being awake. Being alive. I want to check out and go to sleep, or fall into the couch and watch…

Do you have a dad?

Last night my daughter asked me this question for what feels like the 20th time. Do you have a dad? Why yes baby, I do. Yes you have another grandpa, we see him on Christmas, sometimes. And he changes his profile picture to your face and acts like you are his light and his world, but…

Impulses

I was talking to my best friend, and she said honestly, life would be so boring if I had control over my impulses and that hit me. Finally, someone who understands why I love my impulsive side, instead of trying to control and mitigate her. My impulsive side: She is my best asset. My greatest friend. Someone…

She mothers her well

She puts fake earrings gently on my daughters sensitive ears. She brushes her hair the way only a woman knows how to do. She makes her schedules and ensures she eats. She picks her outfits the night before. She plays with her, and loves on her, the way a mother would. My daughter is well…

High Fives

One day she’s going to stop high-fiving me. What will I have missed between then and now? Parenting is hard, really hard. We all struggle with different aspects of parenting. I’m really good at the schedules, the structure, making food and cleaning up, doing chores and talking about feelings. I’m not good at playing, teaching,…

Drunk

It’s 3:44 PM and I’m very buzzed. I’m always tipsy, buzzed, high or eating. Why do I run from everything through numbing? It’s the easiest coping mechanism in my back pocket. Don’t want to feel? Well then, pick your damn poison and let it fly away. Today I am tipsy, but I need to work….