One months notice

Earlier this month I wrote about my new girlfriend. About the way she kisses me in the morning and doesn’t care if we’ve brushed our teeth. And how she doesn’t put me down for the things I’m in to. How she buys me plants and constantly compliments me. I haven’t officially dated anyone since my…

Stream of Consciousness

My daughters father and his girlfriend want to keep Olivia at their house and have me stay there with them, for a month. They’ve asked multiple times now. Today I am supposed to get her at noon, and I wake up to another long text message laying out the reasons I should stay there for…

Sweatshirt

Some nights are rougher than others. Tonight I feel okay, but also shameful. I know all the warning signs of me being “manic-y”. Hot wings. Spending money. Wanting to dye my hair SO fucking bad. Not sleeping at night. Self sabotage galore. Texting exs and texting girls I shouldn’t be texting. Big plans with no…

Cigarettes

Why do I smoke cigarettes? Each time I remember the poster boards I’d make to show my mom, the research I’d print off or the times I broke her cigarettes in half. It’s always followed by my second thought, I understand now why she smoked though. Each cigarette is a quick escape from reality, and…

Seeking Validation

We’re in weird times, corona virus and all. My new girlfriend is a paramedic, so let’s just say she’s pretty busy. We’ve barely connected the last couple of days, and it feels more than busy. The last time we hung out our differences really came to light. So now, of course, I’m worried she’s second…

The art of slowing down

Dinner is set, lighting is bright, my baby is across from me. As I stuff my face with cheap processed food I realize, once again I will finish light years ahead. “Hurry up Olivia. Focus on your dinner. You need to eat faster.” I hear the words in my head, knowing they come out each…

She kisses me in the morning

I show a girl my “crystal” collection. Am I “into” crystals? No. Do I think they’re interesting and pretty? Yup. Do I remember how much my ex gave me shit for them? Hell yeah. I make jokes and send pictures of my precious rocks. “Do you still like me?” I’m testing the waters. Are you…

Journal Entry

I’m flipping through my journal, and this is one I want to publish. Because it’s important and life saving to me, and maybe it is to someone else out there too. Yesterday in therapy there were the usual questions… “Any suicidal thoughts?” This time I had to be honest. I told her I thought about my…

Dating sucks

Like I said in my last post, I am talking to a fantastic girl. And I mean, like really fantastic. She is patient and kind. She pays attention to me, and shows me that. She bought me a plant, and sent flowers to my work. She is calm, cool, and collected. She’s the type of…

Parking Garage

I have a new home, and I know it’s not good for me. Almost every night this past week I’ve found myself hiding in my parking garage, smoking cigs and hoping no one from my apartment building sees me. I am running from my life. Every few months I find myself in this place of self…