I’ve dreamt about you most nights lately.
I wake up with a feeling in my chest.
It hurts, but it’s happy too.
I get to see your family in my dreams.
Never you, but I know they are the closest things I have now.
And they talk about you in my dreams.
They hug me and tell me the hugs are from you.
Lately I think about you on and off all day recently,
But today was different. You were heavy on my mind.
It’s like you buried your soul into my brain and my heart.
Driving home I thought about my body’s reaction to you lately.
Am I storing trauma that is forcing its way out?
Then… I realize the anniversary of your death is upon us.
Only 12 days away, the day you had to leave one year ago.
I cried. I miss you. The only thing to help this pain is to hug you.
And that’s the one thing that’s impossible to get.
I know I’ll never hug you again. Never talk to you again.
Never see you again.
Today feels extremely heavy, and I knew my body was telling me why.
My heart tells me to see when was the last day we talked.
“Check your phone, check your texts*
I search for your name and pull it up.
August 22nd, 2021.
“I love you.”
“I love you”
The last texts we ever shared. The last time I communicated directly with you.
One year ago today.
It’s been one year since we’ve talked in any form.
It feels like yesterday.
How have I lived one whole year without my big sister?
And how can I continue living when you’re not here?
It’s simply not fair.
I miss you.