Missing Sister

You would have reached out to me yesterday, to see if I was okay. You’d ask me all about what happened in Waukesha even though I don’t live there. We would have talked about our girls and how big your boy has gotten. We’d say “I miss you!” and plan a vacation in the future to be reunited. Maybe this time we would have followed through, because I was so scared to lose you the first round of your hospital stays. 

I’d come to Florida unless you were eager to see the snow in person again. You loved the snow, always. And you’d want your babies to see it because by then you would have realized how fragile life is. We’d hug and laugh when we finally were together in person. I’d invite you to my wedding and hope that you could make it. I’d probably help fund your trip up, because I too had realized how fragile life can be. I would have been sure that I wanted you to be there, and my niece and nephew. You are family. I would have needed both of my sisters there for the day to feel complete.

Covid had other plans. Not that it’s alive, with a brain full of plotting thoughts. But, it took you away from me. I used to joke about covid. How the pandemic was the best thing that happened to my relationship and how much it has encouraged me to stay with a small group of friends and constantly spend my time at home. But now, there is no more joking without an ache in my chest. Because, covid got you. It took you out of this life and now we are out of time.

I was ready to make a change and prioritize you. Something I have not been great at in the past 7 years. I don’t think there is anything more that I regret in my life than not prioritizing you. Not calling you. Not checking on you. Not bonding with you. The guilt I carry from that will weigh heavily on me for years to come. Maybe, for the rest of my life. I am so sorry. And I will always miss you.

I wish you could talk to me. I wish you could tell me everything is going to be okay, you are my big sister after all. Isn’t that what big sisters do? I wish I leaned on you more, and was available for you to lean back on me. 

At the end of the day I can’t change our past. Unfortunately I also can no longer change our future. There is nothing more than what has already occured. The story is written and the dramatic, sudden end took everyone by surprise. All I can promise now is to try to be good to your kids, and hope that it makes you happy.

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