Big Sister

I’ve always identified as a big sister. But rarely, I identified as a little sister. How silly, because I’ve always been a little sister. I just forgot that you were there. I forgot I had someone to look out for me the way I’ve looked out for everyone else. I missed out on so many opportunities to get to know you better. And now, I’m lost. I’ve lost my chance to know you. I miss you so much.

My sister died on 09/01/2021. I’ve tried not to write this sentence. It’s impossible to undo. I regret not calling her more. I regret not visiting her and her family. My family. I question if she ever felt left out of the relationship my younger sister and I have. We were her only siblings, states away from each other and bonded by an unfit father. Covid took her life, and it shouldn’t have. It’s 2021. The vaccines are out, available and free. But even with the safety of science, I lost my sister.

I feel an immense amount of grief and shame. I hold heavy guilt in my heart. I am overrun with regret and longing.

All I can muster is that I love you. That I am sorry. That I will always miss you.

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