My brain can be a messy place. Especially on days like today. There are so many voices. They have different things to say. Different things to teach me. Different perspectives on life and myself. It’s like they are different people, but it’s all me. All the same brain. The same voice. Just different objectives.
This morning it’s a nonstop back and forth.
“I want to die” no you don’t.
“I want to hurt myself” no you don’t.
“I want to be alone” no you don’t.
“My partner will see through me, she doesn’t know me, she won’t love me forever” she knows you and loves you.
“My daughter will hate me” no she won’t.
“I’m so stupid” no I’m not.
“I hate my life” no you don’t.
So on and so forth. I’ve gotten better at my immediate responses to myself. Lots of “stop” and “no” and “your wrong”. A quick correction to the things my brain tells me when it’s sick.
My alarm for my meds went off last night. I didn’t get up. “I’ll take them before bed” I thought. Hours passed. I was depressed. Self destructive. I went to be and passed by my pills. “It doesn’t matter anyway” I thought. “I deserve to feel this way” I thought.
Today I regret that decision. I remember feeling like this everyday. And it’s hard. I’ve spent the majority of my day in bed. Fighting with myself, trying to sleep so I don’t have to feel, putting pressure on my chest because it feels so tight. Trying to get the energy to do one thing right. For my daughter. For my partner. For myself.
I just want today to be over. But for now, I’ll get out of bed. And try to feel normal.