Do I love you well?

My mental health isn’t great today. It could be because I’m hungover, or maybe because I didn’t take meds last night, or just because I have a tendency to beat myself up. Maybe it’s a combination of all three. Regardless of the why, this is where I’m at today.

What prompted this shit show? Sometimes I feel like I can’t compare to my girlfriend. The way she loves me is so incredible. And I don’t know that I can return the favor. I didn’t read the note she left me in my lunch. I didn’t turn off the lights. I don’t know her as well as she knows me. So today I find myself questioning, what does that mean? Does it mean I’m a bad girlfriend? Does it mean we won’t work out? Does it mean I don’t care?

Today I know I’m not the best partner I can be. And my girlfriend, she deserves the best. But I’m worried I can’t live up to that. And then what happens… What happens when my girlfriend realizes I’m trying but it just might not be enough?

Today it’s this overwhelming feeling that I am just not good enough. That I will never be good enough. And that’s sad. It’s sad when I feel this way about myself because it really hurts. And to be honest, it’s unfair to me. It is a slap in the face to ignore all the things I do that make me a good partner. I know that. But… my brain is at where it’s at today.

Today I don’t want to be alive. I feel like I can’t be productive at work. I don’t know how or if I can parent later tonight. I am lost. I am crying. I am sad. It started with feeling bad about myself, and now it’s become the heavy weight in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. What makes me feel better when I can’t breathe?

A shower. The right music. Writing. Sleep. Running.

What do I want to do when I can’t breathe?

Absolutely nothing.

There’s no sound way for me to wrap up this post. I’m not going to have some kind of revelation that makes me feel better. I can’t fix it. So I guess the best solution is just to accept the fact that today I am depressed, and take care of myself the best that I can.

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