I know my brain makes up crazy things when I feel like this. I can’t trust my own thought process in these moments. Which is exhausting. Sometimes I wish I just had a normal, easy going brain. I mean, I know everyone gets anxious in some capacity. Everyone knows what it’s like to have a racing mind. But there’s a spectrum, as with everything.
I don’t feel like a good mom when I’m anxious. It’s hard to do anything. Make breakfast. Do the laundry. Wash the dishes. Play with my daughter.
Today I told her I’m anxious. I had to give her a reason why mommy was not herself today. “What’s anxious?” Something I struggled to answer. I told her that my chest feels tight, and I’m tired. But really, it’s so much more than that. More than a kid needs to know right now. It’s a stomach ache. And racing thoughts that don’t make sense. It’s thinking you’re a bad person and a bad mother. It’s believing in the worst things about yourself. Thinking that you don’t deserve love.
Today I’m making up stories in my head. Stories that are not real. Questions that are ridiculous.
Does my girlfriend love me? Know me? Is our relationship real? When will it end? It’ll probably be me. I’ll become distant and cold and unloving. I’ll get so in my head and make up stories about us not working. I’ll think it’s my fault. I’ll be the one to stop trying. To fall out of love. To push her away. What happens when the honey moon phase ends? And the inevitable happens. We break up. What if I become so unhappy with my life or myself that I become unhappy with my partner? What happens if she becomes unhappy with me?
What if I’m a bad mom. Do I like being a mom? I’m not very good at it. I think about how my daughter deserves better. Someone more playful. More stable. More reliable.
Who am I even? Sometimes I have no idea.
I don’t want to post this because I’m afraid to hurt my girlfriend. I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t love her or that I’m not happy. I’m afraid she’ll over think the ridiculous things my brain comes up with when I’m anxious. I’m afraid for the reassuring text I’ll get from her after she reads it, because I might feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m afraid she’ll realize she’s too good for me. I’m afraid she’ll leave. That’s what it all comes down too. I’m afraid I won’t have tried to push someone away, and they leave.
Our relationship has to be too good to be true. It’s so loving. It’s so comforting. It’s so secure. And today, I feel myself pushing against that. Why? Why am I looking for reasons why it won’t work?
Is it because I don’t think I’m good enough? Because I’m afraid of comfort? Or because I don’t think I deserve a love like this?
My girlfriend told me to write. So I did. She also told me to think about what I want out of a relationship, from myself, and from my partner. So I revisited my “non-negotiable” blog post. And there my partner was, in every non-negotiable I have. She is always right there. My constant. And I love it.
What do I want from myself? I want to be who I am when I’m with my partner. Fun, easy going, silly, and happy. She gives me an environment where I get to be that version of myself.
She’s texting me right now, about nonsense. And I’m home again. I’m at peace again. My mind is slowing down. I’m anxious, but I’m happy. I’m safe.
Well, I have no idea if this post makes any sense. But it makes sense to me. Everything will be okay. This life of mine might take work, but that’s alright. And the best part, I don’t have to do it alone.