I deserve this

I’m in a healthy relationship. A real relationship. A relationship with my best friend. And boy is it special.

A few months ago I was slipping into self sabotage. My go to whenever anything feels too good. I told myself, this can’t be real. It’s all going to fall apart. I became distant and questioned the relationship. This hurt my partner. We both felt the distance, and I was paralyzed by it.

This led me back to therapy. Because in my gut I knew this love was pure and real. And I knew i wanted it.

My therapist reminded me that we become comfortable with chaos when chaos became home. And chaos was home for me. I missed the dramatics of previous relationships. I missed the toxicity I mistook for passion. I missed being disappointed because it had become so familiar. I missed what I used to consider home. I was falling back into unhealthy patterns that never served me. I was doubting my ability to match up with my partner. I questioned my worth, surely love like this isn’t meant for people like me. At least, these were my unconscious thoughts and beliefs. And this is why I go to therapy. For someone to call me on my bullshit and pull me back to reality.

More importantly my therapist said “you know you deserve this right?” Until that moment, I didn’t. But suddenly I felt it. That’s right, I deserve this. I forgot. Or maybe I never knew at all.

Now, months later, I know that I do deserve this. I’ve found a new home. One that is safe and stable. A love that is kind and gentle. Passionate and healthy. Real and vulnerable. A love that makes me feel whole.

I deserve it. She deserves it. I’ve found my person.

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