I made my girlfriend cry yesterday. We do a check in every month and one of our topics were fears. I said I was worried I wouldn’t love her one day, but what I really meant is I’m worried I’ll self sabotage. Because that’s what I do. At least it’s what I used to do.
I feel new with Ashley, my girlfriend. She wrote about my in her blog the other day, and it said “I think Kaitlynn has been conditioned to see herself as a weak character”. I was. I always believed I was weak, prone to disaster, and all around a bad person. I was destined to break hearts because I could never be good enough for anyone. I think this stems from my relationship with my dad. I always felt like I had to earn him. If I could just be enough he would stop drinking and stick around. Don’t get me wrong, my dad was around sometimes and he loves his kids. But that isn’t all you need to be a good parent. He wasn’t present, he was drunk.
I still try to be everything I can to people, I try to earn their love. But I’m stronger now. I see my flaws and actively work on them. With Ashley I feel new. Strong. Capable. Like maybe I actually won’t sabotage this after all. Maybe I found my happily ever after, and more importantly maybe I deserve it.