Grieving what I never had

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I found my person, like my legit person. I’ve never been so sure of it. But that means I have to say goodbye to something else I’ve been holding on to, sometimes without even realizing it. My ex and I had a situation, and we’re not talking anymore because of it. She knows I’m with someone else. For the first time since our lives have intersected I chose someone else over her. And I know it hurt her.

I’ve been grieving something lately, and I didn’t know what it was until today. Finding my person means there is no room for others, at least not romantically. So that means I’m finally letting go of the idea that one day my ex and I might get back together, and finally work. You see, she moved away a year ago. I always thought, once she comes home, and we’ve both grown, it’ll be different.

But now, when she moves home it’ll be different in a way I never took the time to imagine. There is no more room for her in my life, and saying goodbye is hard. Especially saying goodbye without words. She’ll never know my grief or the work I’ve put into getting over her (which I am). I’ll always appreciate and cherish the love we shared, the memories we created, and the lessons we learned. I wish for the universe to love her and take care of her. I hope she finds and accepts love in her life. I pray she heals from everything she needs to work through. I say goodbye, without saying goodbye, finally.

And it’s okay to grieve that. It doesn’t meant I don’t love my girlfriend. Because I do. As I said, she’s my person. And I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever felt so right. I am lucky. I am blessed. Life is good. And even so, I can grieve with the same breath that I use to love. Shutting one door, and opening another. Letting go of love while growing in love. They can all be true. And they are.

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