I’m writing this because I certainly am not posting this tonight. Hell, maybe ever. You read my blog. Therefore, I cannot post this. But I have to get out out of my body, so tonight I’ll write for me.
I think I love you. More than the way we say “I love you” as best friends.
Tonight you rolled up to my apartment. You’re wearing a headlight messily on your head and the light flickers. I’m ecstatic, because I get to spend time with you. The moments I’m with you nothing else matters. I don’t check my phone or give a shit about the outside world, I’m immersed in your laugh, your stories, and your smile.
A month ago I decided I was ready to let go of my previous relationship for good, I was ready to date. Immediately I thought of you. We started with romance, and moved backwards into friendship. I wasn’t ready to love again when I met you. If I’m ready now, it should be you right? Seconds later I pause. There is so much at stake. I CANNOT risk losing you, ever. You are my favorite person. And what if this is me just being impulsive and I’m actually not ready for love? What if I fuck everything up by thinking you’d even be interested? What if I make you feel like less than you are? What if I hurt you? I can’t.
Tonight I watch you laugh and am amazed by your beauty. You play music and dance in your car, the street lights brighten our dance floor. We smoke cigarettes and move our upper bodies to your new favorite song. You brought me plants and tomatoes and a puzzle, puzzle. So thoughtful, always. You invite me to be your “significant otter” to a friends small packer party. Her and her husband, then you and me. I have plans, but I want to cancel them because I’d rather be with you. Every day, I want to be with you.
You’ve seen and known all sides of me from the beginning, and somehow you still love me. You see me. You show up for me. On the flip side, you show me all of you. The good, the “bad”, the vulnerable. And each time I love you more. I am so confused.
I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything to you unless I was 100% sure. The problem is I’m never 100% sure about anything. I’m anxious and nervous and bad at love. I fear abandonment and like I said before, I won’t risk losing you.
Tonight I sit with you in your car and I feel whole. I don’t understand anyone like I understand you. No one understands me like you understand me. I’m pretty sure I am in love with you, all of you, every part.
I read this to the girl it was about around a campfire. She got up from her chair, gracefully walked over to mine, leaned down and kissed me. It was magic. So these words are magic.
We’re dating now. And life is good.