Stream of Consciousness – Decisions

It is so hard for me to make decisions, why is that? I’m terrified of fucking up, or making the “wrong choice” but truth be told I’ll never know the difference between a right and a wrong choice, because it’s impossible to know the other outcome.

Right now I get to decide whether or not to continue talking to a girl, romantically, or to let it go. My most dreaded decisions, relationships. I hate being left, and even more so I hate leaving people. It hurts so bad to leave someone. Probably because I’ve been so hurt by feeling left by some of the most improtant people in my life.

I know in my gut, this isn’t right for me. But then I question myself. Are you sure? I mean, is anyone really sure of these things? I go around and around, dissecting everything from my past. You’re just scared. No, you’re not scared it just isn’t right. This is your abondonment issue talking, not you. It’s okay to let go. What if it works out? What if you don’t find anyone else? Stay. Go. Right. Wrong. On and on and on.

But I already said above, I know it’s not right. It typed itself on this page without a second thought. When I’m alone in my room I know this is where I’m supposed to be right now. Alone. Not on the phone with this girl. Not with anyone else. Just me, because I have a lot of work to do on myself before getting into a relationship with anyone else. Even if the person says the right things. Stays at the right times. Treats me in the right ways. That doesn’t mean, go for it. On paper I would normally go for it. But I think it’s time to listen to my intuition earlier on and follow it wholeheartidly. Instead of ignoring it, I’ll hear it with an open mind.

It’s okay to let go of something that never began. It’s okay to let go of beautiful things if they aren’t meant for you. It’s okay to make a decision and not deem it right or wrong. That’s the beauty of life, it’s all okay.

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