Stream of Consciousness

My daughters father and his girlfriend want to keep Olivia at their house and have me stay there with them, for a month. They’ve asked multiple times now. Today I am supposed to get her at noon, and I wake up to another long text message laying out the reasons I should stay there for the sake of my child during this covid-19 pandemic.

I don’t know what I want to do. On the one hand, I want the comfort of my own home. I want to be able to do what I want and dance in my living room in a sweatshirt and my underwear, and practice yoga while I watch TV and cleanup my mess whenever the hell I want. I also don’t want to give in all the time. When they ask me to do things I always feel like it’s two against one. I am outnumbered.

Why do they want Olivia to stay there? Well I think it’s because they’re scared of what’s going on in the world. But more than that, they think I am unstructured. They see me as unstable, which isn’t all that wrong I guess. But I keep it together enough to be a mom, even on our bad days. They want Olivia to have structure and don’t trust me to do it. They don’t think I can handle the homeschooling and the attention and the effort with her. Maybe they are right, I fear that as well. Which is one reason I might be okay staying there, I’d have help. But… I’d also have to admit to myself that I need help. And that is something I don’t want to do. I am strong on my own, at least that is what I always tell myself.

I want to stay there because I’ve created a funny little scenario in my head about it. Maybe it would be like a sitcom, funny with minimal drama and good ass story for later in life. Remember that time we all lived together? Hahaha. I want it to be fun, a bonding experience for all of us. I’ve painted a nice little picture in my head that would unlikely be the case. My therapist always called me out on this. You want good, you expect the best, but is the actual reality of the situation? The reality is I feel uncomfortable being alone around the father of my child. And that I feel nervous to talk to his girlfriend because she is a sensitive soul (not in a bad way) and my words can come across pretty rough – so there’s always been a lot of room for misinterpretation and hurt feelings. Olivia would be so excited at the beginning, but so upset at the end when I have to leave and suddenly she has two homes again. I can’t bare that disappointment and become the other house, instead of another home.

Staying there would be less lonely. But could I walk around without a bra on!? I can’t wear a bra for the next month, hell no. Would that be rude? See these are the questions I don’t want to answer. I want to just BE MYSELF and not have to worry about impeding on someone else’s routine and household.

Maybe I just need to be a fucking adult and stand up for myself. I am doing fine taking care of my child, and she is not going to die because some days I don’t show up as much as I could. In fact, it might just make her more well rounded as an adult, so I’m okay with that. I can ask for help in other ways, ones that don’t turn my whole world upside down.

I want to say yes to be easy, to be passive. I’m always so passive. Avoiding conflict and disappointing others. But you know what, I don’t need to worry about what everyone else wants from me. It’s not my job to meet the needs of everyone else over myself, I’ve spent enough of my life doing that.  In recent years I’ve tried to be better about answering TO MYSELF FOR MYSELF. I think this is another time where I get to practice the wholehearted, sometimes difficult, self love.

I know I can be a stable parent during all of this. I can be a rock, I just have to actually try. Not that I have to prove anything to them, but I will prove to them that I actually do have this under control. They don’t know how good of a mom I can be.

I am staying home, watering my plants, and being firm in my decision. Because it’s not wrong, it’s not right, it’s just mine.

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