Like I said in my last post, I am talking to a fantastic girl. And I mean, like really fantastic. She is patient and kind. She pays attention to me, and shows me that. She bought me a plant, and sent flowers to my work. She is calm, cool, and collected. She’s the type of girl who wants a lot for her life, she she’ll fucking go for it. She’s in school, working full time, taking great care of her dog, works out like every damn day, cooks, cleans, and is so unapologetic about being herself. She makes me want to be a better version of myself, but what if I can’t do that yet? Or even worse, what if I can never really be “better.”
I told her that I panic when I start to really like someone. I don’t think that’s always been the case necessarily, but since my ex it rings true. I’ve talked to a few people since my last relationship, and the minute it gets too serious for me I freak out and run.
And well here we are, me freaking out. Because who am I to bring someone into my messy life? Do I really want to deal with that? Can I really expect anyone else to deal with me? What happens when it gets messy? I know for sure I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t want to lose anyone. I definitely don’t want to be left.
Maybe I’ll fuck it up before we get to that.
But, maybe I won’t. And that might be nice.