Are you going to date her?

I’ve spent hours with my ex this past week. Every second is more confusing than the last, and incredibly messy. She kissed me, hugged me, and told me all the ways she loved me. Today was our last day together. I cried last night and barely slept, trying to prolong her departure. She going back “home” she calls it. Back to Colorado, and she said she probably isn’t coming back. My brain shouts out, but you were supposed to come back. 

Morning breakfast and she brings up a friend again, once she asked me advice for. The look in her eye tells me it’s more than just a friend. “So, who is this friend?” I ask. “She’s from back home…” my ex replies. The next words spill out too quickly and without thought, “Are you going to date her?” Everything feels frozen for a few moments. I wish I hadn’t ask. “Do you want me to answer honestly?” she asks. I don’t respond because I can’t move, what a stupid question. The way she nods her head yes to my question breaks me just a little. It’s clear she cares about this broken girl back home, her classic type. Fuck why did I even ask, just stay in the dark Kaitlynn you know better.

“She reminds me of you. She goes to therapy and is very self reflective. She writes a lot. She..” I had to interrupt . That was more than enough information. Please stop. I don’t want to know anything.

“We just weren’t good together. We didn’t work.” I know she’s right, I feel the same way. But… it still sucks.

This is our goodbye I guess. And it’s my permission to finally move on. But for now I’m just going to feel.

Tonight I put my daughter to bed and walk around my empty apartment. I don’t dare move anything you touched. The open wine bottle you finished sits on the counter, you always finished the full bottles. Your wine glass is next to mine in the sink, I can still see the marks of your lips on both – you know, since you finished my wine too. The bed stays the same, but I slept in your spot. Your glass of water is still on your side. The towel you neatly folded in the bathroom will have to stay. Maybe I can pause our last night together, and we can just live there. Unhappy and unfulfilled. But, in love.

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