Disruption

So badly I want to disrupt your night,

But who am I?

Who am I to enter without warning?

Who am I to turn your night on it’s axis?

To make things hard…yet again.

Well, I am me.

I am your disruption.

You loved the chaos.

I brought intensity, love, and excitement into your life.

You hated the chaos.

I brought pain, distrust and dread into your life.

Every morning your deep brown eyes burn my memory.

And every night I fight the urge to send a message.

I tell myself I deserve better then our personal brand of disruption.

Then I tell myself you deserve better than everything I introduced you to.

Maybe it’s time to let go.

I’ve always been your disruption.

Now here I am.

Eleven thirteen PM.

Disrupting the urge to disrupt you.

I type,

“I miss you.”

“Is it bad that I want to talk to you.”

“You somehow still run my world and I’m not sure how.”

I delete it and begin the inner dialogue with myself.

“Don’t send it, for her.”

“Be better, for her”

“Don’t engage, for her”

“Fucking listen to her words and not the indecisive beating in your chest… for her.”

Within the same breath I remind myself that you told me to listen to my gut.

And my gut screams your name.

Day in and day out.

I hate it. I love it.

I am ignoring it.

And maybe that is for the best.

Maybe this is all for me.

Self reflection is my asset.

Growth is my strength.

And time is on my side.

We have spent years playing a dance.

A game of back and forth.

How can you save me?

How can I save you?

And how can we possibly save each other?

I will not be a disruption anymore.

And for that I have to say thank you.

Without you, I would not be here,

Finally, free from the disruption label.

Stable instead of unsteady.

Mindful instead of self centered.

Worthy, all by myself.

And loved, without limits.

For that I have two words,

Thank you.

And then,

Finally,

I thank myself.

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