Winter got me. I stayed in my house and at the same time in my depression. There have been short seasons throughout the months where I felt happy and completely free of the beast that lives in my brain. Recently, I feel free again.

A lot has changed lately. I’m single, summer vacation was on the horizon, I’m moving out within the next two months. On top of that I started to feel happy. One afternoon after work I went home with a mild headache. I thought I’ll just curl up on the couch and do the usual when I don’t feel well. Minutes later I found myself looking around my home. The blinds were down and it was fairly dark in my apartment. On the couch I sat in my spot comfortably sliding into the indentation my body has made permanent in the cushion. Outside I hear people walking the streets and the sun is shinning. At this point in the day it’s only about 5PM, and here I am – I’m doing what I do when I “don’t feel good.”

This is what I do when my head hurts, when anxiety swirls in my chest, when I feel depressed and alone, when I’m tired or full of rage. Sitting in the dark with the TV illuminating my space had become my norm. Looking out to the sunny sidewalk I realized something. I thought to myself, “What have I missed?”

The question still holds strong. What did I miss when I chose to sit on my couch instead of seeing a friend? What new recipes have I missed on the nights I didn’t eat? What the hell have I missed while I allowed myself to sit here… for months?

No more no more no more. I don’t want to miss out.