It’s almost 4 AM and I cannot sleep.

I feel like I’ve been up the whole night, but I’m really not sure. That has to be impossible right? But I feel like I’ve just been laying here from 10-3. My brain just won’t seem to shut down tonight.

However I feel calm – and that’s progress. In the past I lay in bed, angry when my racing thoughts won’t just chill out already. Upset and anxious about all the thoughts swirling in my brain and even more frustrated with myself for not being able to stop them. This mindset didn’t and doesn’t help me sleep. Thankfully my routine for when these nights happen has been very helpful.

Once it’s been long enough and has become clear that I can’t sleep, I get up. My room is set with dim lighting and occasionally a candle to fill the air with a calming scent. In bed with my journal I write all my thoughts out on paper, followed by a gentle reminder that I can deal with them all another time. Once they’re on paper I can remind myself I have them somewhere, I can see all the fears and thoughts and anxiety. I will handle them another time with a restful mind and fresh perspective. This is followed by a number of other things depending on the night. Maybe I’ll read, meditate or do yoga, sometimes if I know I’m hypomanic I’ll watch a show. Usually I pop a melatonin or two, but it feels too late to do that. Then when I’m ready, I head back to my bed and fall asleep. Instead of laying in bed for another one to three hours, I use that time to do some #soulwork

Tonight I find myself asking:

Am I hypomanic or anxious? I don’t really like this question. Feeling like I always have to self-reflect is exhausting. Yes work has been significantly better lately, and I was more productive today than ever. Yes I’ve been making plans for my future, creating a budget, buying books that speak to me, making changes to my routine – but I think that can just be me growing. I don’t know. I guess it’s okay not to know.

I don’t feel depressed, and that is something to be grateful for.

It’s 4AM and I can’t sleep. And that just happens sometimes.