*Moved from my previous blog – 2018*
We are happy, enjoying our day. Joking and playing and laughing.
I have a heavy conversation with a friend and it weighs on me afterwards. I set it aside, push it down, save those feelings for another day. We go shopping, you make a joke that somehow cuts me to my core. Followed by my racing mind that is telling me “You’re right I’m stupid, and annoying. You hate me and I hate myself. I don’t deserve you, I should just leave now” so on and so forth. Although, you didn’t say any of these things. You didn’t suggest any of these feelings. You don’t feel or think any of these thoughts about me.
You made a joke, something we often do. And I took that joke and ran down a dark tunnel without looking back. My energy plummets, I don’t want to talk, kissing makes me sad, and I just need the day to end so I can have my reset button (sleep).
“What happened?” you ask. In the moment, I have no idea. I can’t recall the stepping stones that threw me into this well. I can’t walk you through my negative thoughts. I can’t explain my feelings because there are none, I’m empty and numb. I can’t tell you I’m still struggling with stabilizing my moods. I can’t walk you through the pain my earlier heavy conversation brought me. I can’t show you how talking about my father is weighing down my heart, it’s affecting my self-worth, it’s quickly trying to rebuild every wall I have to protect myself from others. I can’t tell you that your joke only reminded me that our relationship isn’t invincible. That it hit a chord in my soul that feels unworthy and unlovable. That in the moment one joke was enough for me to decide you should leave me, because everyone leaves. I don’t want to admit that I’m suddenly depressed, because it means my episode isn’t over – and I so badly want it to be over.
When I thought I was getting off this roller coaster (a bipolar mixed episode) I am surprised with a deep downward hill. I was on my way down from feeling hypomanic, the ride was supposed to stop but it just kept going. Why can’t I just get off? How long is this going to last?
This episode has been hell. I know it’s going to end, but what I can’t get out of my head is that one day it will start all over again. The worst part: the disappointment you’re going to feel when it happens.
There are not enough words to express how sorry I am that you have to sit in this rainfall with me. No one else experiences my swings to the extent that you do.
No one else is affected the way you are. I’m sorry for that.