My need for speed, racing from depression

*Moved from my old blog*

Three days ago I decided it was time to stop yet another prescription drug. A painful rash on my stomach brought me to this decision. My heart shattered, because everything I’ve tried thus far has led to harmful and potentially dangerous side effects. Of course my first thought was “I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life a mess. Nothing can save me from this.” But, somehow I got out of my mind prison for the next two days. Until now.

Today I ran out of things to do. I was home with my daughter, and reminded of how much I fail as a mother. I have a clean house, and even if it wasn’t I don’t know if I would have the energy to change that. With no errands to run, classes to attend, or to do items to check I am left with my thoughts. Suddenly, I can feel myself sinking.

Usually I keep myself busy. With college, work, classes for my daughter, events, friends and more. I can stay distracted. My mind runs quicker than my body, if I’m always one step behind then I’m always running to catch up. As I keep running, my illness cannot catch me either. But once there’s nothing, once I’ve slowed down, I sink. Dark roots grab hold of my mind, body and soul and pull down. Depression is over powering. It’s encompassing. Most of all, it’s familiar.

I let it drag me deeper and deeper. I think of everything I can do to help. Exercise, meditation, reading. Or the less helpful – sleep, isolation, and TV. Today I choose to write. A new and seemingly feeble attempt to make me feel better. I hope that exploiting it will help me understand it. And understanding it will allow me to breathe.

Though I feel low, empty, and alone there is a small glimpse of hope. Hope for a brighter future. Maybe 2017 will actually be my year. I’ve realized I can’t keep running from my illness, I can’t ignore it, and most of all I can’t get rid of it. What can I do? I can acknowledge it, I can feel it, I can work with it.

One day I will win.


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