*Moved from my previous blog – 2018*

I forgot to take my medication last night. I woke up and thought “it’ll be fine, it’s just one pill.”

I spent the morning hanging out with my kid, enjoying coffee, driving to daycare, and day dreaming about marrying my girlfriend. We’ve only been together for a year and have no plans of marriage, yet I’m planning the details in mind. Dress, summer, outside, drinks, karaoke, late night pizza.

I go about my morning thinking it’s going to be a good day.

And then… there is a switch. I hate when I feel myself going down hill. Like a stream sweeping me up and I know it turns into a raging river that I can’t escape. Six hours after smiling about my fake future wedding I can’t shake the thought :

“my girlfriend would be better off if I broke up with her.”

Over and over I convince myself I’m not enough and try to give myself the drive to just do it. Leave. I lay in bed ignoring my homework and responsibilities. I smoke a cigarette in the rain because feeling cold is better than feeling numb. I sink and sulk.

Two extremes. Two ends of the spectrum. Six hours.

I hate this disease and I hate myself for letting it have such a hold over me. I just want to be free.

How do people deal with the drastic changes? How can I have a healthy relationship when I’m far from healthy?