LoveSick

Good Thing Go   Of course… A love song on Spotify. Nothing but falling in love and breaking up on my randomized playlists. Since my last break up nearly a year ago, This is the music I get. Stringing together words that make me stop, Make me think. It sounds like home. “I want to…

Mama, I love you.

Lately I worry about my mom. I think she’s having a mid life crisis. And as a person certainly living with an undiagnosed mental illness, it’s bad. But I can’t reach her, she doesn’t want to be reached and I understand that. Tonight I’m watching a movie and the mother dies. There have been many…

Wake up. Medicate. Caffeinate. Repeat.

I should take my meds right? “Yes Kaitlynn! Why are you not taking them?” Because. I can’t feel. You don’t understand. Maybe if I don’t take them I’ll feel everything again. And I’ll have to work harder to self regulate. I’ll run and write and cook, I can be healthy again. Without being depressed, I…

Trigger Warning

Today was great, actually. But two things today led me to getting drunk alone on my couch binge watching RomComs. You know, triggers. They are fucking fantastic at taking you out of your real and current life and throwing you into the past.   One: I ran into your mother at the store today. She…

Are you going to date her?

I’ve spent hours with my ex this past week. Every second is more confusing than the last, and incredibly messy. She kissed me, hugged me, and told me all the ways she loved me. Today was our last day together. I cried last night and barely slept, trying to prolong her departure. She going back…

Who is my God?

Lately I’ve craved a relationship with God. Something I lost a long time ago. Being raised in a catholic school, I was taught about a “loving God” who punished sinners. One day I went home begging my mother to get baptized because that day we learned you’d go to hell if you weren’t. This was…

Call Your Sponsor

I recently secured my very own sponsor Al-Anon. How lucky am I? I thought that sarcastically for a while. I’m unlucky because I have to reach out to someone when I feel weak. I’m unlucky because all of the alcoholics in my family. I’m unlucky because I reached out for a sponsor “too soon” and…

I don’t know why I didn’t post this 2 weeks ago

I casual slide my drinking concern into the conversation, “I can’t remember the last time I didn’t drink at night… At least two months. Maybe more:” I see the gears moving in your head. “It’s okay.” You say. So sweet, and also enabling. You end the conversation with a pact. Don’t drink, and you’ll buy…

A letter to the man I try to hate

If I look back through my journals I can find several entries that are clearly full of fury. My writing becomes messier and bigger than normal. All writing in moments of rage about how angry you make me. I hate the way you make me anxious. Most days I know I will be stuck in…

A Home

You found a home in me. Home for each of us used to be chaotic. Actively searching for love, comfort and stability. Trudging through each and every trauma, Year in and year out. Home was an emotional roller coaster. But we are not. At least, not always.   Today, we both like to engage in…